Dissonance Has My Heart

Throughout my life, I have turned to the arts for comfort, healing, entertainment and distraction. Dance and music, in particular, have always been part of my being - a true love, if you will. Growing up, I put together soundtracks with different songs for different situations and occasions, choreographed at all hours of the night, and I wallpapered my teenage bedroom in Rolling Stone covers. Music makes sense to me because it mirrors life: the melodies that rise and fall the same way mood ebbs and flows, the rhythms that help move you along or insist you wait patiently, and my favorite part - the mindful silence between the notes that offers a chance to reflect and simultaneously beckons you to listen closely for what comes next. Music is for celebrating and grieving. It’s for letting go and understanding ourselves and finding one another. The infinity of music is the closest thing to magic that I can imagine. 

I’ve also always been a planner, so it was no surprise I took the linear steps from high school right into college, then teaching music, and then becoming a therapist. But it took a leap of faith to do something outside of the box, and I have Dissonance co-founder, David Lewis, to thank for pushing me to go there. In 2012, David and I spent a lot of moments with our work team at a small music college scratching our heads, wondering how to best support musicians who wanted to make a life in the arts. They were grappling with how-to’s, feasibility, and their own becoming as young people. Many were also struggling with addiction, mental illness, grief, and identity on top of the typical growing pains. We realized we needed to make it ok to talk about this stuff in public on our campus and to do so in an accessible way, through music. We had our method: a panel with notable musicians who would talk about their own mental health. We just needed a name. 

On a walk back to campus after having one of our deep planning talks (my favorite) at the Amsterdam (his favorite), "Dissonance" clicked in my head. I screamed it at David out of nowhere, and it was quickly a done deal. In psychology, dissonance is the discomfort of holding or perceiving conflicting beliefs. In music, dissonance is the discomfort or tension of clashing pitches. In both, we seek resolution—i.e. to resolve the discomfort. And that was exactly it for our students: they were pushing toward a developmental leap in their work with us - whether in counseling or career services - and trying to make sense of the discomfort that comes with growth.

When the college started to reduce services for students and my position was cut, I knew it was worth fighting for the rights to Dissonance — both the name and our concept. The idea for a nonprofit was born when David and I gathered a passionate group of professionals who would later become our founding board members. We all voted to start a 501(c)3 organization and did so in 2016, which means we celebrated five years in summer 2021!

When artists continue saying yes to our events and new folks reach out to be involved, that’s a sign we are on the right path. When individuals contact us about the support they have found through our Get Help Directory, it solidifies our goal of linking folks to mental health and recovery resources. And when educators and organizations share our handouts or invite us into their spaces, you can hear the stigma crumbling. 

I can talk endlessly about the cool stuff we have done, the outstanding roster of artists who have played with us, and the inspiring stories we have heard (read the many other posts on this blog for more!). But the most meaningful part of Dissonance to me personally at this moment in time is the lesson that I don't have to keep myself at arms length as a leader here. As the Chair of the Board, I used to unintentionally treat Dissonance as something I oversaw and made nice for others. When I was forced to set a boundary with my time during winter 2021 due to personal life challenges, I finally admitted to the rest of the board that I was afraid to step back, to let go. That’s when they all insisted that I rest and promised to carry on until I was ready for next steps. That acceptance told me everything I needed to know about the community we have created together. Talk about an “aha” moment! It was then I realized this thing I nurtured for everyone else over the years was exactly what - and who - my current self needed. 

It is fair to say I am in awe of the relationships forged in the name of Dissonance and the human beings who offer themselves up to not only our shared cause but to me as a person. In fact, I think some might even appreciate me more for my vulnerability than for my management skills. The Dissonance embrace has been incredibly humbling, enlightening and healing. I practice gratitude for these authentic relationships daily and feel inspired to keep going and growing because of them. 

Our mission of supporting mental health and recovery in and through the arts includes everyone. We all have a mental health story and are all touched by addiction in some way. We also all benefit from the arts in our lives, without a doubt. I am so incredibly proud of the small spark of an idea that has grown into a steady heartbeat here in the Twin Cities. Over time, we’ve been incredibly fortunate to welcome new voices to our board, each of whom has contributed to our evolution as an organization. Our volunteers, artist alumni, event attendees, blog readers, and community collaborators all make Dissonance what it is at any given moment. 

Dissonance combines my passions for creativity, wellness, and relationships, and it’s an honor to be part of this with all of you. I invite anyone reading to check out our monthly Story Well group, attend events, and contribute to our blog. Please also consider Dissonance in your giving plans or come volunteer with us! And stay tuned for our next meaningful and fun project, Dissonance Sessions, which will bring out stories behind the music in a fresh new way that reaches more people and brings us all together. More magic.  

Sarah Souder Johnson, MEd, LPCC, is co-founder and chair of the board for Dissonance, and a mental health therapist at Sentier Psychotherapy. 

Do we still need to talk about mental health?

By Katy Vernon

Around the time in my life I was becoming keenly aware that my drinking was increasing and my mental health was suffering, I started to notice events happening locally that resonated with me. Not just the usual music events, but a new type that included panel discussions around mental health, substance use and sobriety. They featured musicians I loved and admired. Not only did it pull back the curtain on what these artists felt and confronted—or had confronted—in their lives, but it confirmed that a creative-arts career could be a unique and sometimes troubling road even when you’re successful. If these artists could struggle, then what did that mean for those of us who aspired to reach their level? Does society help feed into the idea that problems go away when you reach your artistic goal, or does it reinforce the toxic notion that you always have to suffer to be creative. Is there a healthy balance? Can we listen and learn from artists who have found ways to nurture their health in a business that glorifies bad behavior?

I knew in my gut that I wanted to be a part of these events. But I also knew that I would feel phony unless I first tackled my drinking head-on. I wasn’t ready to give up on my toxic love affair with wine just yet.

Even though I wasn’t sober at the time, I found myself watching from the sidelines at the very start of these ‘Dissonance’ events and felt a powerful pull toward them. Once I was ready to get sober, one of the first people I reached out to was a Dissonance board member. It felt safe knowing that there was a small network of people who might understand my struggles. I needed this connection so much in my life, and it has continued to help me heal and grow in so many ways both mentally and creatively. I am so grateful to be a part of the Dissonance community.

So why—as the headline indicates—am I wondering if we still need these conversations? 

There are days when I feel like the mental health/wellness arena is over-saturated. I wonder if I am preaching to the choir. Every time I talk about undoing stigmas or having honest conversations, I wonder if I might sound like a broken record. Is anyone NOT talking about mental health? Isn’t everyone already diagnosed with anxiety and depression, doesn't every workplace offer wellness programs, doesn’t every bar readily offer N/A options, isn’t everyone already going to therapy? Are there even still stigmas left to smash?

Then I go onto Facebook!

This summer, when a top U.S. gymnast bowed out of the Olympic team competition for reasons related to her mental health, there was such a loud and angry backlash that it shook me to my core. Talk of “giving up,” “selfishness” and worse resonated around the world. The criticism was relentless and cruel. In the next few days, it was announced that Simone Biles was experiencing the “Twisties”—a condition that is incredibly dangerous and could have caused her  extreme injury as she flew through the air performing feats that none of us can even comprehend. Other top athletes came to her defense, and the ensuing dialogue had many sides, but no matter the circumstances leading to her decision, we shouldn’t need the specifics. She doesn’t owe us that. If someone speaks out and says they need to step back and take care of themselves, who are we to judge?

It helped me realize that as far as we have come in treating mental health on par with physical health, we are not “there” yet. There is still so much judgment and ignorance surfacing in sometimes shocking dismissiveness and derision. While I have surrounded myself in a very deliberate manner with people who choose to prioritize these issues, there are still many more people to reach. 

No matter who you are, who you work for, what flag you wear, you do not owe anyone an explanation for your own mental health. Just as we wouldn’t judge an injury or a physical ailment, we must respect the reality of mental ailments, and the ownership and rights of people to talk openly about them. 

The criticism of people in the public eye when they tell us what they are experiencing is harmful to everyone. When they are torn to shreds and belittled by Monday-morning quarterbacks, it has a toxic ripple effect on everyone else who is struggling. As a society, we build people up as role models and then tear them down if they seem weak or don’t fit into a superhuman mold. From gymnasts to princesses, we too often hear loud choruses of criticism—and this reminder has reinforced my commitment to speaking out.

Talking about mental health isn’t weak. Taking time to heal and acknowledging your limits and challenges is strong. 

While such advocacy may seem en vogue, the challenges and need are very real. Kids aren’t faking anxiety and depression to get attention, as some have suggested. Neither are adults. As a parent, I see firsthand the pressure and demands of navigating society in person and online, and if kids can find ways to connect and talk with each other about their mental health, that is a great thing. 

We are living through the biggest collective mental health challenge in a generation, and perhaps the biggest substance use crisis in the nation’s history. Amid COVID-19, global warming and our stark social and economic divides, we are all just trying to survive on a planet that can often feel unsafe.

Commentators will appear on the nightly news and deride the younger generation, or even organizations like Dissonance, for trying to create safe spaces , but why — and what alternative are there? When I ask my kids how they’re doing mentally and emotionally, they tell me they are almost resigned to the fact that the planet is dying and many will never change their behavior to address it. The very least we can do—short of addressing the root issue—is to make it OK for them to process and cope with the genuine anxiety and sadness that accompany such an outlook. Maybe then a healthier next generation can build a brighter future.

I sometimes wonder whether mental health has become a catch-all term wielded for any variety of aims. For example, adults who don’t always seem so committed to the mental health of students leveraged it very well in their call for kids to return to school this fall, even with vaccinations not yet available to many. Is mental health really the main concern, or do economics and convenience underlie the call? While I’m skeptical in the absence of broader calls for mental health solutions across the board, it’s of course true that the pandemic has taken its toll on our wellbeing.

In one way or another, everyone I know has been hurt these past 18 months. The socially anxious have become even more isolated. Outgoing folks have experienced loneliness in a new way. And creative people have lost most of their outlets and income. Personally, I have had to give up being a full-time musician and take on a more stable office job to help support my family and provide health care. I feel sad many days and hopeless on my worst days. 

This doesn’t even begin to acknowledge the mass grieving around the world. Entire families and communities devastated. As a childhood orphan, I feel others’ losses so deeply. And yet it seems like some don’t even care until they are personally touched. It’s hard to relate. And while we scream online about the pandemic’s social and political impact, are we even taking time to acknowledge those who have lost loved ones?

It seems now is the time for more safe spaces and grace, not to declare mission-accomplished on mental health dialogue. I don’t pretend to have the answers or to even know how to talk about it all. We probably need all sorts of ways. I just know I need to feel that people care. That we have each other’s backs. That there is kindness and love all around.

The need for difficult conversations has not gone away. We need to acknowledge and support each other’s struggles more than ever. We need to learn how to take care of ourselves and each other. The answer is yes, we still need to talk about mental health, and the mission of ‘Dissonance’ is as relevant as ever.

Katy Vernon is a professional musician , a mom and spouse, and a Dissonance board member .

Music Can Bring Us Together Again

By Hannah Burns

I work as a registered nurse in a drug and alcohol detoxification center where I treat clients from all walks of life. Sometimes during my shift, I like to play relaxing music in the nursing station to help me stay calm and focused. One night as I was listening to soothing classical music, a guest at our facility approached the window seeking medication to deal with anxiety. Before we could even begin to discuss pharmaceutical interventions, the guest became immediately captivated by the music. “I used to play the viola,” they said with bright eyes and a big smile. “I was really good at it too! “Why did you stop?” I asked. My client went on to explain that their mom took the instrument away so it wouldn’t get sold for drug money. “That must have disappointed you,” I replied.

They laughed and declared, “It is one of the best things she has ever done for me” and proceeded to tell me how excited they were to be reunited with the viola in sobriety. I was so proud of my client during this brief interaction. They were able to see themselves as a musician and identify their talent and passion for music as an essential part of their identity. Most importantly, my client let me know that reunification with the viola was a goal for which they were ready to fight. 

Addictions have their way of hijacking our identity. Often when we are struggling, we start to see ourselves as our disease – an “addict” rather than a person who has a substance use disorder; we may also surround ourselves with others who have addiction, which can provide a sense of belonging but also insulate us even further from our true and innermost selves. In the end, whether we struggle with substance use, mental health or anything else, we are much more than our illnesses. We are people first, and music can be a healthy intervention that helps us discover—or rediscover—who we are, become who we want to be, and establish a new and healthy sense of self.

Without the right support, however, being a musician in recovery can sometimes feel lonely. Loneliness has its way of surfacing inside the body just like feelings of hunger do. As social beings, we naturally feel uncomfortable when we’re by ourselves for too long. It is normal and healthy to seek connection. Like most singer-songwriters, I crave acceptance and love from my audience and from other musicians. I want others to appreciate and find inspiration in my creative work. In turn, I seek out concerts and events where I too can leave feeling sustained and replenished.

I am excited and grateful to work with Dissonance, which is committed to cultivating wellness in and through the arts and creating safe spaces for musicians and others to connect and share their art. On Sept. 17, 2021, C.B. James and Roz Marie (Paper Doll) joined me for a live intimate concert performance at Sencha Tea bar on Grand Avenue in St. Paul. Sencha created a signature “mele” green tea just for the event, and 100% of the proceeds supported local music! Dissonance Board Member Jennifer Gilhoi also was on hand to answer questions about Dissonance and to share her personal journey to sobriety in celebration and recognition of National Recovery Month.

No matter who you are or what your connection to art, if any– you’re invited to explore wellness with the Dissonance network, which I’m happy to say now includes me!

Hannah Burns is a poet and singer who performs as Melehana, and a registered nurse at Gateway Recovery Center in Inver Grove Heights, Minn.

Alive at Five

The Dissonance Five-Year Anniversary Party and Artist Showcase came together in the spirited creative fashion of Dissonance. It wasn’t months in the making. It wasn’t overly complicated or too taxing for any one of the event team members. It wasn’t a heavy lift for the artists invited to say yes given the point and time in the pandemic and the short and sweet performance ask of two songs or 10 minutes.

It was simply an evening to be together in community, celebrate resilience, and return to what always draws us to each other: music and the arts. And it just felt healing.

If we ever questioned it before, we now truly know that we heal by being together, sharing in the human experience. No one can live a life to the fullest or be well in isolation. Over the course of this evening at Royal Foundry Craft Spirits, artists performed as we wove in dialogue and conversations between Dissonance board members and artists about the importance of connection and well-being.

We highlighted what showing up felt like these past months. We openly shared about grief, anxiety, hope and healing. Mixing throughout the room, we listened to anecdotal stories of the toll the racial unrest, political climate, and Covid times has taken. Artists shared that performing at an event of this type --knowing the audience has got your mental health back -- allowed them to be vulnerable and ease into a return to live performances. We heard from audience and artists alike along the theme and popular Dissonance hashtag of #HowIStayWell.

In the spirit of a quick yet meaningful summary, the Dissonance team pooled our collective experience to provide you with the performance highlights, in a form called SixWords.

Mayda - Huge, funky fresh, show-opening soul.

Levi Weinhagen - Hard truths in our mirrors. Ha!

Maya Elena - Joyful muse. Yogi wise. Mystic adventure.

Justin Anthony Spenner & Carson Rose Schneider - Baritone, piano, opera missed. Next time!

Carl Atiya Swanson - Connecting people and possibilities through poems.

Adam Levy  - Virtuoso songsmith, sharing all, shedding light.

MaLLy - Mindful beats and rhymes. Stand up!

Jason Chaffee - It’s a complicated sadness. Guitar therapy.

Annie Mack - Powerful, uplifting. Oh, that voice. Testify.

Laura Hugo - Beauty in the mourning. Melancholy magic.

Charlie Parr - Introverts and resonators rule. National treasure.

Such powerful words and art were shared! You can catch artist Jason Chaffee’s pre-event performance on the Fox segment, check out the event photos on our Facebook page, and follow our page to stay in the loop for future events and activities.

Throughout the party and showcase, we cheers’ed with Dissonance, a non-alcoholic cocktail created by RFCS’s mixologist Harry of an ingredient dissonance of lemon, sage and simple syrup and a bit of salt -- an incredible flavor experience leaving us with zero regrets (#ZeroRegrets). We also enjoyed a spread of nourishing eats from Appetite for Change’s catering team, Breaking Bread Catering & Café; and gluten-free cupcakes with a Dissonance swirl from Amy’s Cupcakes. A special shout out to Nikki and Andy, RFCS owners and generous supporters of Dissonance’s mission – you two are an amazing force for good in the community. Thank you!

As our encore, thank you to the artists who showed up to celebrate and share their talents with us, to the Dissonance event frequenters and supporters, and to those completely new to the experience. This event filled our cup with hope, support and a vision for what’s possible -- and we hope it did yours as well!

-- The Dissonance board – Sarah, Jeremiah, Mariah, Katy, Karen and Jen

Coming to Terms With the Psychological Effects of the Pandemic

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Sentier Psychotherapy’s blog CounselingMN.com. It is republished here with permission.

By Sarah Souder Johnson

The COVID-19 pandemic upended much of life as we knew it and people are now trying to make sense of what just happened to us. The existential weight of it is almost too much to comprehend, especially because it is still going on around the world. However, in the United States and here in our home state of Minnesota, we see rising numbers of vaccinated individuals and plummeting numbers of positive cases of COVID-19. We are receiving permission and even encouragement to resume “normal” activities. As we begin to see the restrictions of the pandemic in the rearview mirror, it can feel exciting and upsetting all at the same time.

So exciting: Friends! Hugs! Live events!

So upsetting: Anxiety. Stress. 600,000+ deaths.

In therapy, we call this the dialectic: when two seemingly conflicting truths exist at the same time.

For example, I have heard clients talk about all of these dialectics throughout the pandemic and also experienced some of them myself:

• Quarantine was both terrifying and relieving. Some people described an exciting pandemic “honeymoon” period while at once knowing that others were sick and dying – and that it could also happen to them.

• The pandemic brought job loss and financial devastation to many while also presenting the chance for important professional reflection and growth that may have never happened without the forced slow down.

• Some people decided to make important changes in their lives that will bring them closer to peace and happiness while also being forced to reckon with painful changes in other areas of life.

And now we are facing another dialectic: It is very hard to act or feel like everything is fine even when the experts say it is safe to get back out there. So why is that?

Simply put, we have experienced trauma. The COVID-19 pandemic has combined the threat of physical harm (“I could get sick and die.”) with heightened psychological vigilance (the 24-hour news cycle, constant changes to the rules and recommendations, worry about getting others sick, missed events, lack of closure, grief). Taking precautions like social distancing, masking, and immunization helped keep us safe, but it also meant being on guard all of the time. In addition to the pandemic, we also collectively felt stress from natural disasters, racial injustice and human rights violations, political turmoil, and police and community violence.

If you don’t quite feel like yourself, rest assured there is a good reason for that. Brain fog is a common symptom of chronic stress, and “chronically stressful” is an apt description for the circumstances of the past year. Under threatening conditions, the brain gets hijacked by stress. Then hormones like adrenaline flood the body and the nervous system goes into what is commonly known as fight, flight, or freeze to help keep the body safe. It becomes difficult to concentrate, reason, and have a clear sense of time and perspective when we are on high alert at all times waiting for something bad to happen. This is brain fog. Another common symptom is disorientation, especially under ambiguous circumstances. Although the virus is receding, there will be no hard and clear end to it, and that type of uncertainty increases anxiety even more.

Remember that you have lived through a series of rapid changes following a very abrupt shutdown. If you are feeling more upset than excited and struggling to return to “normal,” gently consider the following tips for recovery:

1. Get organized. Show yourself compassion by using a calendar to track plans and tasks and set reminder alarms. Carving out a little more time than usual for daily tasks will increase the effectiveness of your work and give you a sense of accomplishment.

2. Leave your home. You may be isolating yourself after following recommendations to physically distance. Question any notion that you are better off alone as that is likely anxiety speaking and not a rational thought. Start by establishing a simple routine for going outside, make eye contact, run errands, and be around other people with increasing frequency.

3. Move your body. Movement creates new neural pathways that can help your brain get through mental blocks and also helps rid the body of stress hormones. This is particularly true with movement that engages both sides of the body in an alternating, repetitive motion. Take a walk, hop on a bike, or row a boat to help you process the big emotions of this new reality.

4. Humans recover best together. Your relationships may have changed over the past year, and that is ok. Conversations with just one trusted person about the highs and lows of your experience can help calm your nervous system, reintroduce a sense of lightness and safety, and move you toward feeling and functioning better.

If you are struggling more now than earlier in the pandemic, you are not alone. This is trauma, and it takes time to get back into your body, calm the nerves, and make sense of it. Accepting the dialectic of the present moment – that it is indeed both exciting and upsetting at once – can get you feeling more like yourself again.

Sarah Souder Johnson, M.Ed., LPCC, is the co-founder and board chair of Dissonance and a therapist at Sentier Psychotherapy in St. Paul, Minnesota.

Five Years of Invitations

By Jennifer Gilhoi

Four years ago, I let go of sober anonymity, writing in a blog post entitled Let Go Out Loud: “More and more, I see how stepping out of church basements to embrace a more integrated presence and acceptance in society sends a clear invitation to others that it’s OK to seek help sooner than later.”

By sooner than later, I’m not talking about a few trivial months -- I’m talking about years. In my case, it took two decades to deeply understand I had a drinking problem and then accept the only invitation I knew of in 2013: an AA meeting. My understanding of such meetings, from movies and other pop-culture portrayals, was that they required a declaration, “I’m Jen. I’m an alcoholic,” and an immediate flip of the switch to a completely sober existence.

I could not fathom such an abrupt transition and was motivated more by fear of my current path than attraction to a new one. I had no role models, no examples. As far as I aware, no one in my personal circle had successfully moved from active addiction to sobriety; certainly no one had recounted their story and lived experiences to me.

As I prepared for my first AA meeting, I practiced what felt like a shameful admission in the mirror in a soft, sad, tearful voice. I didn’t want to draw attention to myself as a new member of this fellowship should my intro not easily roll off the tongue. But in that first meeting, I was on edge and so raw with emotion that any AA long-timer could intuit my uncomfortable, strung-out state. Since that experience, I’ve heard many other newcomers in Twelve Step rooms exercise the option to bypass the label and simply say, “I’m ___, I’m here to listen.”

THIS. This is what we need more of – invitations to listen, ask questions, form relationships and feel safe and supported. This is what Dissonance is about – working in and through the arts to shatter stigmas around mental health and addiction. The art we celebrate and conversations we host help people struggling begin to find a better way that’s self-directed and empowering, and free of guilt and shame.

While my story is about discovering a life free of alcohol addiction, the Dissonance community is broad, deep and encompassing of the human struggle in every shape and form. I’m so grateful I discovered this community and have had the opportunity to serve on the board since November 2018. It has activated my vision of open, shared experiences that support healthy and sustainable lives.

As our community celebrates five years, including the pandemic years, I couldn’t be prouder of the artists who continue to create and uplift despite all odds, and our close-knit board members who continue to extend invitations. We survived because we leaned into each other. We’re here now—stronger, more resilient and ready to keep moving forward.

I want to extend a public thank you to friend and former Dissonance board member Carl Atiya Swanson (pictured with me here) for several coffees and conversations, the confidence he instilled in me, and the initial invitation he extended in 2017 that led me to show up for a Dissonance sober happy hour at Five Watt coffee shop on Nicollet in Minneapolis. On July 28, 2021, I celebrate seven years of continuous sobriety and a new journey via jengilhoi.com to let go out loud and bring others along for the ride.

Jennifer Gilhoi is a marketing, social media and events consultant, avid yogi, and Dissonance board member.

LineCheck: Mental Health & Self-Care for Creatives

Dissonance Co-founder and Board Chair Sarah Souder Johnson was honored to facilitate the second in a new 2021 series of virtual conversations with Minnesota's music community. Thank you to 89.3 The Current for conceiving and presenting the LineCheck series and also for sponsoring Dissonance’s 5-Year Anniversary Party + Artist Showcase.

Sarah’s wide-ranging LineCheck discussion with Annie Mack, Nazeem Jalees of Blood $moke Body and Davina Lozier of Davina and the Vagabonds explores the emotional toll of the pandemic, civil unrest, and unearthed patterns of abuse within the music community; how musicians are faring now; and ways to move forward with a priority on mental health and self-care. Sarah shared many resources available to artists, and the panel shared timeless insights and wisdom from their lived experiences.

“It is completely possible to talk about this really hard stuff and still feel uplifted and hopeful. And if you don’t, that’s ok too,” Sarah noted. “I have so much gratitude for all who were involved with this conversation. When we get truly present with one another, lean into purpose, and share our authentic truth, we have this magic ability to work through our discomfort and help each other as well as others. That’s exactly what happened here, and I hope more people will find hope, comfort and perhaps some inspiration and practical tips by listening in.”

Watch the full discussion—bookended with performances by Mary Bue—in the video player below.

Go Easy on the Expectations, Be Good to Yourself

EDITOR’S NOTE: Since the pandemic began, and physical distancing guidelines sent many of us into relative isolation, much of the world has moved online. The transition has come quickly and created challenges of various sorts. For example, finishing the school year at home was taxing on both students and parents. As summer begins and the next school year awaits, we still don’t know what to expect. But we can learn from those who have more experience navigating the virtual world. Here, in a new kind of blog post for us, teenage contributor Lindsey shares some tips for other teens on successfully navigating the online learning environment and embracing an attitude of self-care. At the end, we also share a link to some resources for teens that we have posted to our Get Help Directory.

By Lindsey Horsman (pictured, far right, with friends)

I’m a junior at an online high school, and the end of this extraordinary school year brings new questions and uncertainty. What’s summer going to be like during a pandemic? Will I be able to go to the pools? What will the next school year look like?

Normally, I’d be preparing to see and meet new people during summer Postsecondary Enrollment Options (PSEO) classes at Normandale Community College in Bloomington, Minn. But it looks like Normandale’s classes will remain online for now, due to the ongoing risks associated with the coronavirus. Of course, I’m used to online classes. That’s been my high school norm for three years, and I like it for a variety of reasons. It works for me. But summer is usually the time for my change of pace, when I catch up on the social interaction I’ve been missing and don’t have to be glued to email awaiting assignments, deadlines, feedback and answers to my questions from my professors.. This summer looks to be different, and it’s disheartening and a bit anxiety-provoking.

PSEO classes are college-level and, therefore, look good on applications to prospective colleges, but I’m questioning whether I’ll even be able to do well this summer. Should I do something else? I don’t pride myself on my grades, but I do work hard for them and am proud of the effort I put into them. Putting myself into a situation that I’m not feeling up to, and in which I might fail, is scary.

These are just a few of the thoughts that have been swirling around in my head this spring. Maybe you, if you’re a teen, or your child, if you’re a parent of a teen, is facing similar anxious quandaries.

Personally, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s best to take the pressure off myself. Maybe we don’t need to take that advanced placement class or extra college class. Online classes during the regular school year are hard enough. If my prior summer plans are no longer possible and the only option is one that might challenge my mental health, maybe I need to prioritize my well-being.

That’s exactly what I’m going to do. I’m going to talk to my counselor and make a plan so I’m still able to meet my graduation requirements on time. This summer, though, I’m going to ease up on my expectations, put off worrying about next semester until it arrives, and try to have fun, enjoy the summer and celebrate the accomplishments of finishing the school year—amid a global pandemic, no less! We have achieved a lot during these uncertain times.

If you’re in a different situation and are taking online classes this summer, or looking ahead at the possibility of more virtual schooling in the fall, do your best to manage expectations, anxiety and the school work itself. Here are some tips from my three years of online high school, which may be useful …

1. Online school is HARD. You’re learning more independently, but don’t be afraid to reach out to your teachers. Teachers want to help you learn and succeed in class. Some are new to this too, and they want to make it as easy and productive as possible for both of you.

2. Pace yourself. I know that sounds like a cliche, but it’s true. After finishing a hard lesson, take a break. If you continue to push yourself, you’re only going to get more frustrated, and that will be reflected in your work.

3. Don’t procrastinate. Seriously. Just open the lesson or content to at least see what you’re getting into. Chances are, it’s not as hard as you expected and/or it won’t take as long as you think. I’ve put off so many projects to find out they really weren’t that big of a deal. And after you finish, reward yourself with some chocolate or a TV break.

4. Make time for class. If you normally spend eight hours at school, it’s going to take you eight hours to complete your schoolwork at home, too. If you wake up at noon, you’re going to be studying and working late into the night.

5. Do your favorite or easiest class first. Getting started is the hardest part. Once you do, you’ll find it’s easier to work, and the best way to do that is by starting with the favorite or easiest class.

Most of all, whether online or not, learn to take care of and be good to yourself. Have a great summer!

Lindsey Horsman is a junior in high school and lives in Minnesota.

---

SEE: Resources for Teens

How lessons of sobriety help with COVID-19

By Katy Vernon

Earlier this year, back in February before the whole world changed, I said to a friend: “I feel confident that a bad day won’t derail my sobriety, but I still worry that a tragedy might.”

I am mindful of how fragile my sobriety is because the closest I have come to losing it are the times I have taken it for granted.

Alcohol whispers in my ear that it’s no big deal. It tries to convince me that I was weak then and I’m stronger now. It’s a charmer that reminds me of the fun we had together. The meals it enhanced, the relaxation it provided, the ease of mind it allowed, the pain it removed. It’s a sly fox trying to convince me that it no longer poses any threat to the chickens.

So when I feel panicky, scared, grief stricken or lonely, I have to remind myself that I could so easily slip and let alcohol back into my life to take my sobriety away.

The first few weeks of the pandemic hit slow, then hard. While the Midwest was hearing about the tragedy of New York’s mounting deaths and the looming threat of community spread everywhere, COVID-19 still felt distant and surreal. Then the virus started to creep into my life.

Friends on Twitter started to post more cat pictures and ‘work-from-home’ hashtags, venues started to reach out to tell me they were on the fence about live shows, and each day started to shift into a weird, watch-and-wait standoff. No one wanted to overreact but at the same time, there was a growing realization that decisions needed to be made.

Then, one by one, events dropped off my calendar. For the past four years, playing music has been my main source of income. Every other job has been a flexible part-time gig designed to fit around that. It’s a privileged but perilous juggle. As performances started to get cancelled, I leaned into my part-time jobs -- until they started to crumble, too. In two weeks, everything I did to earn money ground to an indefinite halt.

Next, the emails came. My brother was in the hospital. My uncle was in the hospital. Both had COVID-19.

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." I knew this. I even wrote a song about it. I had the tools for this.

The day I heard about my loved ones being sick and also so far way (in London), I realized more than ever what the word “triggered” meant. It gets thrown around a lot these days, but I had a very real and powerful experience that something pulled the trigger on my addiction. It felt like a shot from my heart to my head telling me to drink and take the pain away.

I moved slowly through one of my last work days in a sorrowful and worried haze, and on the drive home seriously thought about stopping at the liquor store. I even rehearsed in my mind the excuses I’d make to rationalize my choice. After all, I’d had a bad day. I was a grown-up. I could handle it just this once to get through the day. I wanted to numb myself. I didn’t want to feel the lump in my throat that was welling up and choking me. I wanted to wash that down with a glass of wine. Four years ago, I stopped drinking because even two glasses of wine would make me “brown-out” -- an experience marked by scary memory gaps, like a semi-blackout. Still, the sly fox of alcohol snuck back in to tell me it was just what I needed to change how I was feeling.

But I had to play the scene out to the end. Deep down, I know it never helps when I drink. I don’t judge others who are able to do so, but for me, the evidence is clear: alcohol is a depressing poison that destroys me.

I didn’t stop at the store. I didn’t drink. I paused long enough to remember how much my sobriety means to me. I also told my husband how close I’d come and why I didn’t follow through with it. Addiction wants to be your dirty little secret, and sharing about it takes away its power.

In four years of sober living, I have learned many things, and the timeless wisdom of the Serenity Prayer sums it all up as well as anything:

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

I couldn’t change the reality that my loved ones were sick. I couldn’t, and didn’t want to, persuade my band to play shows. I couldn’t show up to work if the venues and stores were closed. I couldn’t change the uncertainty that made it impossible to answer my children’s questions about whether they would be going back to school after spring break. The list of things I couldn’t control was endless …

But I could control my commitment to sobriety.

I noticed something interesting in those first few precarious days. I felt scared, panicked and uncertain, but it also dawned on me that I always felt that way. The intensity was greater, but those feelings were still strangely familiar.

I live with anxiety and depression, and it’s not easy. Both mental health concerns are part of the same composite me that struggled with alcohol. But, over time, they have also led me to develop coping skills, resilience and strength. As I saw relatively “stable” people in my social circles and in the media express their feelings of panic and dread, I began to realize I might be uniquely prepared for this difficult time. I could tap into my resources of sobriety and wellness. I prefer avoiding the term “silver lining” as it often minimizes difficulties and tragedies, but I’m grateful I’ve done a lot of work to learn how to get through challenges and live reasonably well. I’m grateful I don’t have to invent the tools that work. They are out there. Millions of people have survived and triumphed over addiction and mental health conditions.

Right now is a time to recognize that mental health is more important than ever. The stress, uncertainty and isolation of the pandemic are straining everyone. For those of us in recovery, it’s a particularly perfect storm of reasons to drink again. I thought I might not weather this, but I’m working hard to make sure I can, leaning into all I have learned along the way. Every time I make it past a trigger, I am beating back the sly fox and giving myself the gift of sobriety.

March seemed so long. My brother survived COVID-19, but I lost my uncle. Each day -- sometimes each moment -- was a challenge. I didn’t want to wish away time, but I needed to pace myself and learn how to navigate my moods. I also needed to ignore the constant social media mentions of day-drinking and virtual happy hours. Just when I was trying to hold onto sobriety, it felt like the whole world was leaning into drinking as therapy.

Now that we are two months into this, and the initial shock and disbelief has morphed into a new reality, I try to make a plan for each day. I pick a task I can focus on, and that helps to keep the depression and anxiety at bay.

I started by doing some gardening, and now I’m painting my house. It forces me to clear and declutter the rooms as I go through them. It’s been fun to look through old photos, childhood books, and my kids’ school art projects. Involving my children in the process has helped us all have some laughs and reminisce.

A coping mechanism I often turn to is simply to concentrate on the moment. ‘One day at a time’ is a well known maxim of recovery, and early on, it’s more like one moment at a time. Can I make it through this moment? How can I breathe and keep myself safe right now? What do I need to do to not hurt myself? What self-talk can I change to be kinder to myself? Do I need to eat, rest, walk, talk?

I’m controlling what I can and trying to keep the worry of what I can’t control at bay. I work hard to distract myself when needed, and also give myself permission to take days off. I try to ride waves of positive energy and mood, and when I’m not feeling up to something, I know it’s ok to take a break.

Perhaps the hardest part of this time is the uncertainty. As a musician, I am always planning two to 18 months ahead. Having to cancel so many performances, including my annual UK tour, is disheartening. But I’m getting by, focused on ways to stay healthy, calm and useful.

One day at a time.

Katy Vernon is a Dissonance board member.

Showing Up During Distancing

By Jen Gilhoi

Prior to social distancing, making meaningful connections was top of mind for Dissonance. It was a topic of our February conversation at Story Well, an in-person monthly event (now virtual) that supports well-being through peer-to-peer connections. During the gathering, we explored virtual and in-person connections and provided people with healthy guidelines and examples. 

The conversation drew awareness to negative feelings that some of us had experienced in online interactions, including hopelessness, isolation, loneliness, unworthiness and frustration. Those experiences—generally via social media—were very real and potentially damaging to our well-being before social distancing. Now, especially for those struggling with addiction, anxiety, depression and other mental health concerns, those negative experiences can be even more detrimental.

The community that Dissonance serves typically relies on human connections for therapy, accountability, and feeling seen and heard. With in-person connections severely limited due to the pandemic, the immediate instinct might be to gravitate to more online engagement or not engage at all. We offer hope in the reminder that the absence of in-person contact doesn’t rule out meaningful conversations or things like experiencing nature, creating something simply for the sake of creating, or taking time for self-care.

This extraordinarily stressful and vulnerable time allows an opportunity to strip out what doesn’t work, or simply isn’t available. It allows us to assess new ways of showing up, connecting and creating, and add back in over time only what serves us. This task can feel overwhelming because it includes honestly looking at our virtual and in-person identities, our creative-zone benefits (everyone is creative, by the way), how we relate to and deeply know ourselves, and how we relate to other individuals and the world at large.

It’s okay. Dissonance has your back. It starts with this COVID (Creating Our Virtual Identity with Dissonance) resource we conjured up, with creatives and those with mental health and addiction challenges in mind.

Virtual and In-person Identity

Set Expectations

Resist the tendency to follow every community and conversation that was in-person prior to social distancing into the virtual realm. Whether new online meeting platforms like Zoom are stressful or fun for you, remember that too much screen-time can cause real burnout and fatigue. Choose your online communities wisely, and consider new groups and communities that perhaps were not as accessible in the past (prohibitive due to transportation, time constraints, having to physically show up in some structured way). Assess the structure of the meeting and the number of participants, and set realistic expectations. 

The Empathy Gap

It’s important to note that virtual meetings—while a vital alternative—can sometimes miss the mark. You can’t read body language as well, especially when someone isn’t showing their visual or if it’s a webinar – a one-way exchange of information. It’s harder to receive a knowing look, empathy, the energy of a space or visual cues; and people sometimes talk over each other, which can feel un-inclusive. In addition, hopping off an online group meeting where you only listened to info can leave you feeling empty or unheard, isolated. That’s not uncommon. 

Social Media and News

Much of our virtual identity might be wrapped up in social media. If political posts haven’t already soured you on certain channels, COVID-19 posts are most certain to strike a nerve. So even while you’re on those channels, hopefully with good intentions, recognize that you cannot control others nor what might trigger you and send you into an anxious, fearful or depressive spiral. The same goes for news consumption. Pay close attention to your energy levels, the time of day, and your current environment; adjust accordingly to prioritize your well-being. Strive for consistency between your in-person and virtual identities.

TIPS

• After a large-group online meeting, make it a point to reach out to have a one-on-one conversation, ideally with someone who was in the same meeting.

• Walk away / log off of social media if something frustrates you. Do not engage. Instead, seek a one-on-one conversation with a trusted friend to work through your frustration.

• Stick to the positive when it comes to your contributions to social media.

• Limit your intake of social media and news; hide or delete social apps on your mobile phone.

• Plan to do something uplifting (like taking a walk) right after your social media and news intake session is over.

Creative-zone Benefits

Judgment-free Zone

All of us are creative, but not everyone readily knows how to access those creative muscles. Artists and creative-types engage frequently and understand the creative process more deeply because it represents their financial and/or spiritual livelihood. However, because there is a certain outcome many artists seek in creating—i.e. the sale or promotion of their art—there may be more roadblocks or weightiness around creating in the time of COVID-19. It can strain our mental health. On the other hand, creating art for the sake of creating art, with no judgments or expectations, has many benefits for the brain and our mental health. It’s a good idea whether you’re a professional artist or a novice. Just create.

TIPS

• Create without personal or commercial expectations.

• Experiment with different mediums or combine ideas to help you work through what is on your mind.

• Work solo or with others (even if remotely) – mix it up.

• Set aside uninterrupted time to be creative. Allow work to be complete at the end of one session, or let it carry over and evolve. Anything goes.

Identifying with Self

Often the person we are least patient or forgiving with is ourselves. Can we give ourselves more self-love and grace during this time? Be resourceful in the ways you make time for self-care. No matter what, do at least one small thing daily that allows you to love yourself. Perhaps that’s omitting some activities that do not contribute to your feeling worthy or valued. Start by looking at your online, mobile phone, and social media usage, which may point to what’s not serving you. 

TIPS

• Schedule your daily self-care – what activity is it? Start small.

• Enjoy nature.

• Make time for self-exploration and personal adventures. If you’re up to it, solve larger challenges with small daily steps.

• Set screen-time restrictions for all devices and apps.

• Reduce your social media and news consumption; fill the time by engaging in new or existing communities, relationships and self-care activities.

Meaningful Connections

Relationships are Work

Now is the perfect time to ask if our relationships and ways of connecting before the pandemic were truly serving us and others. In the busyness of life pre-COVID-19, we might have said, yeah, sure, things are fine. However, now that life has been inconveniently altered, sensitivities and dysfunctions—perhaps there all along—are rising to the surface and threatening our mental health and well-being more than usual. It seems unimaginably harsh that we have to deal with these challenging issues while experiencing such uncertainty in our daily lives and the world. But maybe we can embrace this time and the work to be done by setting our sights on the outcome and going straight through the pain.

One-on-one

It’s also a time to think about the beautiful benefits of one-on-one conversations. A long phone or video call with a close friend or family member might provide just the lift you—and they—need. Even in our routine daily communication, we can aim for more verbal dialogue. Before firing off a response on social media to something that triggers you or crafting the perfect text response, consider if that exchange could be healthier in a real-live conversation (via phone, Facetime or Zoom, for example). Use your intuition. If something in a virtual or written exchange seems sensitive or off to you, chances are it is. A conversation approached with empathy can go an amazingly long way.

TIPS

• Reach out to someone you met or connected with in a virtual meeting to let them know they were heard.

• Connect with people one-on-one through a phone call or direct message.

• Use this time to connect with the people most important to you.

• Mail a handwritten note or gift.

• Use a delivery service to send someone something thoughtful.

During May, which is National Mental Health Awareness Month, and throughout the summer, we'll share more content around healthy ways we're showing up during distancing. We invite you to engage with us in these conversations by sharing one or more in our series of graphics, created by board member Mariah Wills, as a way to check in.  Are you working on exploring your creative-zone benefits and finding some great ways to do this? Maybe you're taking more time for yourself, and it feels good right now. Share that too! You can find the graphic series on our social media channels — be sure to hashtag #DisWayToWell so we see and hear you!

Jen Gilhoi is a Dissonance board member.